The New Awful Halloween Costumes From Marvel

Every once in a great while, someone will do something in the name of comics that will piss me off to no end – whether it’s a comic writer killing off a major character just to bring him/her back to life later, or a comic company doing an unnecessary reboot, or some jerk making a shitty Spider-Man 3 movie. By now, comic fans have gotten used to suffering the bastardization of all we hold dear! But when Halloween costume designs are unveiled around this time of year, we’re never fully braced for thinking of a bunch of grown-ass drunk adults stumbling around in leather approximations of superhero outfits. This year, costume companies are already drooling over the profits sure to come from big hits like “Spider-Man” (again), “The Avengers,” and everything that was released and talked about in the last year, including movies for Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, and others. We really do get that this is Christmas for Halloween costume enthusiasts (yes, they exist) – but will we ever truly be prepared to see the precious 8-year-old girls of America dressed like 2-dimensional comic sluts? With that delightful thought, let’s take a look at some of the shitty costumes rolling out in Fall 2012!

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Hey kids! Look who’s walking down the street like a badass muthafucka! Is that Shaft wearing an eye patch? Nope! Why, it’s Nick Fury, the leader of S.H.E.I.L.D. Seriously. What the hell is this? It’s a plastic coat and an eye patch. Really? This is what the scientists over at the comic costume H.Q. cooked up? God damn it. It looks like a motorcycling pirate from the future. You’re better off just buying an actual jacket and eye patch. You’ll save yourself money and embarrassment.

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Now, I get that it wouldn’t be Halloween without a few girls dressing like Black Widow Hoe Bags (exhibit A above). I get it. Halloween is the time when all the girls can dress however they want, and no other girls can say anything about it – at least, that’s what Tina Fey taught us in “Mean Girls.” But this costume is truly amazing – it actually comes with its own built-in “cleavage enhancer.” Cleavage enhancer? And in case you were worried about looking like you might just think about possibly covering some of that up at some point in the evening, there’s no actual zipper here. Just a lack of fabric to confirm that you are, in fact, a woman. In the end, though, I recognize that grown women can do what they like to look just as silly as grown men this time of year. That’s just the rules of feminism (thanks again, Tina Fey!). What’s pissing me off is when this sort of “costume” is offered to younger girls like so…

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What the fuck is this? Is it me? Is it? Am I being overly sensitive? I mean, believe me, I’m all for female empowerment, and I’d love to see more kick ass female characters in comics. But can we do this without the zipper pulled down? Or the skin-tight leather? Call me crazy, but the fact that even a CHILD’S costume has to be even mildly sexualized might have something to do with this alienation of the lady comic fans I keep hearing about. I know it’s not super low by adult standards, but I think a kid will see the movie, see Scarlett Johansson’s zipper pulled down low, and also see that on the costume that her mother brought home…. Does anyone see where I’m going with this? A little girl will see this and wanna grow up into this:

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I’d like you to meet “Destiny”. She’s been stripping for five years and hasn’t spoken to her dad in the last three. Happy Halloween! P.S. WHAT is going on with this Photoshopping? Good thing they got rid of that rib cage on the right. It was so bulky!

And finally, the last costume in the Pissing Me Off category is the one from the upcoming “Amazing Spider-Man” film. Now, I love Spider-Man. He’s a Halloween costume classic! But this?

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What the hell? There are so many things wrong with this costume: 1.) Is it, in fact, a costume? It’s a t-shirt and jeans. What kind of asshole do you have to be to put on a t-shirt and go, “Oh hey guys, like my costume?…Thwip!!!” It’s laziness on the part of the costume company and its consumer. Also, why aren’t you just dressed as Spider-Man? Is this like a “Oh, I was in the middle of eating breakfast when I heard a cry for help, so I threw on this god awful shirt and decided to save the day” sort of costume? And 2.) Is that supposed to be a cardigan? Don’t get me wrong, I love them (and I own one) but why not just wear that, or a shirt? Or a real fucking costume?

*With editing help from my amazing beautiful girlfriend, who always dresses tastefully on Halloween.

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2 Responses to The New Awful Halloween Costumes From Marvel

  1. Isn’t Ultimate/movie Nick Fury just “Shaft wearing an eye patch” anyway?

  2. Pingback: The New Awful Halloween Costumes From Marvel | wegotcomicissues | Your Halloween Costume

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