Mark Anthony (screaming) at The Movies (based on comics)

Unfortunately, even with all of the awesomeness in comic book movies, you can’t get it exactly like the comic. There’s too much content. It would take longer than two hours to get it close to accurate. That said, the line has to be drawn somewhere. Some things are just inexcusable. **SPOILER(s) WARNING**

Batman and his useless utility belt

There are certain things that every character is known for; Blade has his sword, Gambit throws cards, Elektra uses sais, stuff like that. Unfortunately, the recent Batman movies missed a thing or two. Batman has his utility belt full of Baterangs, Bat-Shark repellant, Bat Candy Crush cheat codes, etc. According to the Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy, his utility belt was useless. Also, where were Batman’s detective skills? He’s “The World’s Greatest Detective,” but he needed help to find everything in every movie. Oh, and did I mention no Baterangs?!?!? COME ON!

Spider-Man 3 as a Whole

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I can’t be the only person who blocked out “I’m Sorry Three.” Peter Parker spends more time crying than he does fighting and making jokes. (He makes no more than 15 jokes in costume in three movies. BLASPHEMY.) Now I know Peter Parker is a bit of a whine bag, but this is too much. I will say that the action is good. Unfortunately, that alone can’t save the movie. I know people who are still haunted by the creepy Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy dance scene. In addition, Sandman killing Uncle Ben is a forced and unnecessary storyline that, for some reason, leads to a weird ending with Sandman floating away as sand into the sunrise after Spidey forgives him for killing his uncle. I’m guessing it’s supposed to be sweet. I’m hoping someone makes a deal with Mephisto, and this last movie will never have existed.

Cyclops in X3

He cries. He gets into a two minute debate with Wolverine. Leaves. Cries some more. Sees Jean. Loses his powers. Then “dies” (I still think he’s alive). If they were going to kill him off and make Jean do it, why not just start the movie like that and avoid the pointless scene with Logan? I’ll keep this short like Cyclops’ part in X3.

Superman Returns

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Let me start off by saying I don’t know a ton about Superman. I do know enough to know that he’s too goodie-goodie to be a baby daddy. What was even the point of that? It added nothing to the movie. (That seems to be a common phrase in this article.) I can’t wait for that uncomfortable conversation: “Honey, sit down. You know how you’re faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive? Well, Superman is kinda sorta your dad.” Superman lifting the kryptonite mountain wasn’t as annoying though. It just shows him reaching inside himself and giving it more than he thought he had. Every hero does that. I do have one question: am I the only person who noticed the curl in the front of his hair was never out of place?

Barakapool

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This is the biggest travesty in comic book movies EVER!!! Well, according to me it is. It’s worse than George Clooney’s Batnipples… ok, nothing is that bad. In the beginning of X-Men Origins: WolverineRyan Reynolds kicks all sorts of @$$ as Wade Wilson. He’s perfect. He talks crap, runs his mouth, and makes bad jokes just like I envisioned my favorite character would. Then comes the end of the movie. It looks like it’s going to be Wolverine vs. Deadpool…yeah, no. This is an abomination. He has SWORDS popping out of his arms, and “Merc with Mouth” DOESN’T HAVE A MOUTH!!!! Seriously, that’s what makes Deadpool, Deadpool. They flat out take away his personality. They tease you in the beginning with feats of speed, skill, and goofiness…and then they give you a ninja in red pants with swords coming out of his arms. Oh, and quick question: HOW ARE HIS ARMS MOVING AT THE JOINTS WITH SWORDS IN THEM?!?!?!?!? And optic blasts. WHY?! I get the
teleporting, that’s part of the Deadpool shtick; but that’s all they got right.

Bad casting

Some things are just inexcusable.

Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom

It is a good choice on paper. Realistically, he stinks. I’m not sure if it’s the writing or just him, but no talking in the third person? MARK SAYS THIS IS LAME.

Halle Berry as Storm

Not going to say anything except, “What happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?”, and WORST ACCENT EVERRRRRR.

Jennifer Garner as Elektra

Her superpower is sucking the life out of two movies.

Val Kilmer and George Clooney as Batman

Seriously, how does Kilmer keep getting acting gigs? His best performance is in “MacGruber” as Dieter von Cunth. A bad guy. Unless he’s playing a closeted gay man in Top Gun, he stinks in that too. I also have NO clue what George Clooney is doing Batman and Robin. Does he realize he’s playing Batman? It kind of looks like he’s just winging it. Batman. Winging it. See what I did there? I crack me up.

My personal favorite, Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze

I would have loved to be in the meeting. “I have an idea. Let’s cast Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze!!!! …Why are all if you face palming? It’ll be great. We’ll make him a genius scientist AND an Olympic power lifter.” STOP!!! SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!! Although, I can sit back and watch Arnold over and over again in that movie. He is hilarious.

Punisher 1987:

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Last and not least, Dolph Lungren as Frank Castle. I’m guessing the people who cast this movie must not have seen him in the cinematic masterpiece Masters of the Universe as He-Man. If they did, and still picked him to play Frank Castle, they need to be beaten. Frank Castle is moody and angry. Castle’s not the type of guy to sit in the sewer naked, “meditating” and complaining about his murdered family. Castle cleans his guns, prepares, and goes out and kills the people that deserves punishing. This might be the worst adaptation ever. I will say this: his saying “Batman” after having the crap kicked out of him was HILARIOUS!!!!

I’m not asking for much from comic book movies. They don’t have to be perfect. The Avengers wasn’t a perfect movie; It didn’t have a naked Scarlett Johansson or a shark with a laser beam on its head. (One of those things was a joke.) All I’m asking is that someone take a step back and read the comic book before writing the script!

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